Caring for older folks, including our parents, can be quite a challenge. Tough decisions have to be made. Financial considerations come into play. Personalities might clash. The elder’s desire for independence is often not on par with their self-care ability. It is stressful on all.
Moving a parent in with you can be one of the most rewarding, yet exasperating and difficult situations you will ever face. Dynamics like who is caring for whom, what to cook, privacy, authority or input over the grandchildren can all cause tension among even the most loving families.
Eventually, things settle down. Routines are re-established or adjusted. Then the biggest stressors present themselves. Mentation changes, illness, depression, or just age eventually bring the aging to a point where they say they are letting it all go.
Looking after seniors preparing for death, be it in your home, their home or a care facility, will ultimately hand you some extreme emotions. Caregivers try to hide their fears and sadness from the patient which can lead to more stress.
Letting it all go or looking after seniors preparing for death can be one of the most uplifting, bonding, and faith-building experiences of your life. Without some important realizations though, it can also be the most heart-wrenching and faith-destroying event you will ever face.
Rule number one: Just because it is happening to you doesn’t mean all the nice things you’ve told people over the years don’t apply. It is God’s plan. God is in control. The parent is suffering. They are in line for a better place. It’s okay to let them go. All of it, you can say to yourself. And before you get mad at others for saying it to you, remember how you couldn’t think of anything else to say when their mom or dad was dying, either.
Rule number two: You do not have to be the strong one. The main caregiver tends to be the oldest or strongest in the family. They have always been the one in control and they can’t lose it now. That is hogwash. The whole family is feeling the loss, including the patient, and they are primed to share your emotions with you. Holding back your grief or fears only leads to resentment at not being able to share and can lead to unfortunate explosions of anger or self-pity, usually at an inopportune time.
Rule number 2A: Ask for help. Whether that help is spiritual like asking God for insight and peace; or if it is practical, like asking someone else to spend a night so you can sleep or give you a chance to get out of the care cycle for a while, it is important. If you are thinking about asking for help, you already need the help.
Rule number 3: They’re not dead yet! Yes, the grieving process may have started, but catch yourself. Enjoy every possible moment you can. It is important to let them be in control as much as possible. Don’t treat them like they need to be protected to the end. Let them enjoy their last moments as much as they can. Get them out of the house, whether they can go for a ride or have to be carried to the yard or balcony for a while. Let them have their favorite meals or forbidden snacks.
Rule number 4: Let music bring life back to them. Nothing stirs memories like music. Play some era-appropriate songs in the background. It will transport them from their bed to a time of happiness and health. And the most important thing is to let them tell you all about it. Listen. Those memories are probably things you never knew about your loved one before. They will be the stories that stick with you for years.
It can be devastating to know a family member or friend is letting it all go. Looking after seniors preparing for death, though, can be the most rewarding things you can do for them and for yourself.
