Relationships are hard. Christian relationships are no different. Once feelings of hurt, distrust, or anger seep into the partnership. They work like cancer- growing even while things look alright on the surface.
Many of us struggling with a relationship eventually go to the Lord in prayer. We ask God to help our partner fix whatever we believe the problem is. We ask God to make him stronger, softer, more reliable, more open. We ask God to help him fight the demons that afflict him.
It is easy to spot the flaws in someone else’s personality or makeup, especially when you are the one they are affecting. But there is another person involved in your situation. That person’s imperfections need to be addressed, too. Here is a better method of praying for relationships: “Lord change me, not them!”
The thought of asking Jesus to change yourself might not sound appealing at first. But understand what you are asking by realizing first what you are not asking. You are not asking to become more like your partner or even to accept his behavior. It is more about understanding and seeking a more constructive response than about condoning or giving up.
When we seek the answer to any problem or mistake, simply trying to fix the visual damage is not sufficient. Like painting over a water spot just to see it reappear time and time again, we need to find the underlying problem causing our partner to repeat behaviors he readily apologizes for.
Pray to understand that underlying issue. Sometimes, your behavior directly or indirectly will prove to be the answer. But human nature tells us it is the other person who must change. You are not the one with the anger issue. You are not the one drinking too much. You are not the one who refuses to talk.
Then you find out he is angry because he is getting misused at work and was passed over for a promotion. He drinks because he is depressed about the situation and feels he is failing to provide adequately for the family. He doesn’t talk about important things because when he does, you either gloss over what is important to him or cut him off with exasperated suggestions that he has already tried.
Praying for relations- Lord change me, not him! You love your spouse and you want him to be treated better at work. But your anger at his boss translates to impatience or lack of empathy to your spouse. Lord, change me… into a better listener.
In my own relationship, praying for God to change me showed that things important to me are not really that important. What I saw as flaws or flashpoints were minor discretions that were part of my partner’s personality. This was the woman I fell in love with and married- warts and all. There was no reason to get worked up over them.
So, try this prayer next time you are praying for relationships- “Lord change me, not them! Open my eyes to see what is important. Open my ears to hear all sides. Open my mind so I can understand my role. Bring down the barriers keeping me from conquering what needs to be conquered, fixing what needs to be fixed, and accepting what needs to be accepted. Walk with me so I can see how to make this relationship work in a way that demonstrates your loving intentions for us all.” Amen.
